Currently Listening The Open Door By Evanescence ~*Like You*~ see related

Stay low, soft, dark, and dreamless
Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness
I hate me for breathing without you
I don't want to feel anymore for you

Grieving for you
I'm not grieving for you
Nothing real love can't undo
And, though I may have lost my way,
All paths lead straight to you

I long to be like you
Lie cold in the ground like you

Halo, blinding wall between us
Melt away and leave us alone again
Humming, haunted somewhere out there
I believe that love can see us through in death

I long to be like you
Lie cold in the ground like you
There's room inside for two
And I'm not grieving for you
I'm coming for you

You're not alone
No matter what they told you,
You're not alone
I'll be right beside you forevermore

I long to be like you
Lie cold in the ground like you
There's room inside for two
And I'm not grieving for you
And, as we lie in silent bliss,
I know you remember me
I long to be like you
Lie cold in the ground like you
There's room inside for two
And I'm not grieving for you
I'm coming for you

~Like You, Evanescence

Yes. The Open Door is just plain amazing. If anyone dares to deny it, they can answer to me. *koff* >_>

BUY IT. NOW.

</shameless advertising>

But, really. It took me a few times through the album to really start liking it. Now I'm absolutely in love. I probably like it even more than I like Fallen. It's...different. There's no pop appeal whatsoever. But the lyrics are even more amazing, in my opinion. They're more intricate and less apologetic. There's less "mystery" surrounding them. Most everyone should be able to decipher them. If people can't...then...well...that's why CCM was created.

*koff*

The most pop-ish song is definitely Call Me When You're Sober. But I love that song, too. It and Megan McCauley's Fragile have helped me a lot. They're kind of slaps in the face to me, telling me to get over it and move on. I like slaps in the face, actually. =) They're helpful.

Don't cry to me
If you loved me,
You would be here with me
You want me,
Come find me
Make up your mind

You never call me when you're sober
You only want it 'cause it's over

And the music video is AMAZING, too. Love the wolves. =D

One of my favorite lyrical passages is in Sweet Sacrifice. It just reminds me so much of my own lyrics. "I dream in darkness / I sleep to die / Erase the silence / Erase my life / Our burning ashes / Blacken the day / A world of nothingness / Blow me away." Love it. <3

Anyways. Life. It's been going pretty well. I hate my British Literature class, mainly because I can't understand a word of Old/Middle-English...but, hey! The rest of my classes are hits. =D Love Rhetoric. It's so fun and so easy. Precalculus and Discrete Mathematics is, well...math. Haha. But Mrs. Martin is pretty cool. And Latin II...eh...I have to take it, so I might as well make the best of it. ^^; Physics is a fun course. Not fun in class. But a fun course. >>;

Rhetoric class is probably my favorite so far, though. =) I haven't even had to really try for a grade yet. >_> Maybe it's coming, though. I like putting some effort into it. But I also really like the class periods. We talk about fun stuff. ^_^ Although the war propoganda that we went over in our last class really upset me. It's very hard to look at that stuff.

Moving is...going. We still don't have our house on the market, but we're on our way. My dad is leaving on the 14th to look for houses in Raleigh. He'll be there for two weeks. Noah's birthday is on the 12th, and I have to take the PSAT on the 18th. Oh yay. I REALLY don't want to take this test. >_< But...I have to. And I have to study for the math section. Which I've been putting off. It's a freaking week from this coming Wednesday. I can't put it off much longer. v_v

I joined NaNoWriMo. Yes, I'm suicidal. I was going to write a horror novel, but that isn't working out too well. I did some "horror reasearch," and...well...let's just say that it was a bit too much for me. *sweatdrop* I think that I would freak myself out too much if I went through with writing it.

Maybe I'll actually write Die Drei like I've been meaning to do for FOREVER. Or maybe I'll come up with a completely new idea. I don't know. But I don't have much time to figure it out. >_>

I'm not working at It's A Grind anymore. I quit. So now I have no income. Yay me. I thought that we were going to be moving more quickly, but...we're not. It's okay, though; I wouldn't have time to work with my crazy schedule, anyways. I'm hoping that my uncle will give me a job as a freelance website-maintenance person. Well. He can't exactly give me a freelance job...because freelance is freelance. >>; But I can be a freelancer and he can give me a job. Yeah. ^^;

I'm going out with Jenae today to shop for a shirt for the Evanescence concert. I really hope that there's a cool, cheap shirt out there for me. If there isn't, I'll just buy some huge band shirt, rip it, and layer it over a black tank-top. With my black cargo capris. They aren't exactly rough and rugged, but they're the best that I have. >> My mom was supposed to ask our hair-stylist if it would be okay for me to temporarily die my hair. My hair is highlighted, so it might be damaging to it. She forgot to ask. But she says that she's going to call. I hope that she does. I really want to dye my hair cranberry red for the concert. =D And I need a black eyeliner pencil. I already have dark red lipstick. I have a feeling that black nailpolish would really be pushing it with my mom...but...I still might try. It's just dressing up for a concert. It's part of the experience. ^_^

Well, I should probably go clean the house now. Jenae is picking me up at 3:30pm, and I have to have a lot of cleaning done by then. No worries. I have five hours. *koff*

I just want to say that Lizzie Spotts and Jessica New are my girls. <3

So, with that...

Ciao!

---

All that I'm living for
All that I'm dying for
All that I can't ignore,
Alone at night
All that I'm wanting for
Although I wanted more
Lock the last open door -
My ghosts are gaining on me

Currently Reading Black Cat, Volume 2 (Black Cat) By Kentaro Yabuki see related

Well, now, I have effectively changed my music twice without posting. So...I'm posting. So that I won't be a loser anymore. >>; I'll still be a loser, just not as much of a loser, y'know? =P

So, yes. I really love Simple Plan's Untitled, but I kind of put it on here because I couldn't find anything else. It gets a little...tiring, after a while. But I'm absolutely obsessed with Sarah McLachlan's Possession right now. So, that's the song that's on here. Because it's beautiful. And I love it. <3

While we're on the topic of "Things That I Love"...I just bought the first two volumes of Kentaro Yabuki's manga Black Cat. It...is awesome. o.o Train and Sven are two of the coolest characters ever. I could do without Rinslet, but I don't hate her. And Eve is cute. Albeit scary. o.O;; And Creed is one creepy bad guy. But that's a different story. >>; Anyways. The next volume comes out in a few days. And I am so buying it. Along with volume 6 of Death Note (still my favorite manga ever), volume 28 of Rurouni Kenshin (last one!! *cries*), and volume 16 of Yu-Gi-Oh!: Duelist (>> don't you judge me). Hopefully, I can get the other two volumes of Dolls, as well. But they don't carry them at Barnes & Noble anymore. v_v *sadness*

My manga count just reached 90. >_> I think that I might need some serious professional help. *koff*

I started drawing again. Last night. I started drawing a picture of Train. I am so rusty. >_< Man. That isn't really surprising, though...seeing as though I haven't drawn anything in...well, months. >>; I want to get back into it, though. I miss being able to create life on paper. It's one of the most amazing things ever. ^_^ To just start with a blank sheet of paper, and, eventually, end up with a face. A body. A person. Just from a bunch of lines. Crazy, but I love it. =D

I was drawing with Noah. We hardly do anything together. Because, most of the time, we want to rip each others' lungs out. >> *koff* But, it was good to get along with him and do something like that. He really wants to be able to draw, but he doesn't think that he can. I just keep telling him that it takes practice. Not all people are able to pick it up immediately, like me. And even I have had to do my fair share of practicing. Really, in the long-run, I'm not that good...I can just do faces. Not that impressive. *sweatdrop* But, it is really true that "practice makes perfect." Or, if not perfect, better. *nod*

I'm going to find the e-mail address of that dance teacher today, and hopefully ask her if I can sit in/participate in a hip-hop class tomorrow, since I don't have work. I'm tired of wanting to dance and not being able to. v_v I was going to stretch last night, but drawing with Noah was kind of more important. So, I didn't get any stretching in. And I certainly won't tonight, but...maybe I'll do some in the middle of the day. I'm seriously the most inflexible person ever. x_x And that is not good when it comes to dancing. At all. >>;

I might get into lyrical dancing eventually, too. It's a little...strange, sometimes. But it really lets you feel the music and dance along with your interpretation of it. That's something that I've always been good at. I feel more than I think when it comes to music. And many other things, unfortunately. *koff* But, anyways...that'll be in the distant future, if ever. ^^;

I'm still looking for a different job. My bosses seriously keep shooting themselves in the feet. >_> All the higher-ups are quitting, and they keep hiring new people who don't know what the heck they're doing. I mean, personally, I love our new hires. Just because they're fun. But "fun" doesn't equate "good." And they're not really that good with customer relations, which is more than half the job right there. *sigh* I need to go see what it would take to be a lifeguard. That would be the best possible job.

My poor HTML book is collecting dust. @_@ I really need to get a move on it and start reading through it more. If I want to open my own web design business, I NEED that knowledge of HTML. That's just...the way that it is. >>; And, considering the fact that I may have to quit my job next year due to my CRAZY school schedule, I could use that to fall back on. Web-design people make tons of money, if they're any good. And it's something that I enjoy, so that would be great. I wouldn't even have to have a job. And it would look good on my college application. ^_^

Oh. And I have two Calculus books to finish over the summer. >>; I figure that, if I do a chapter a week, I'll have them finished. I really don't want to read them, but...my dad's right. I need to be prepared for next year. I'll probably have to end up hiring a tutor, anyways, but it would be good to get a jump-start on things. Same with Latin II. I'm going to review Latin I over the summer, and, hopefully, get into Latin II so I am better prepared for the beginning of the school year. It really isn't all that far away. And I think that the reality of that is beginning to hit me. Hard. v_v

Lindsay's wedding is in about two weeks! I'm excited. ^_^ I get to go back to San Diego and see the midnight showing of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest with all of our friends up there!! It's going to be the coolest thing ever. Definitely as memorable as Trilogy Tuesday was. =D

I don't work the day before we're supposed to leave, so mom's thinking about going up a day early. Mostly because she wants to go to Disneyland. I want to go, too. I need to get my Annual Pass. ^^ They already have theirs, but I didn't get mine...because I was in Virginia when they went to Disneyland last. But, yeah, I've been wanting to go to Disneyland for the longest time. And I haven't been able to...because I have a job. v_v Jobs suck. *sigh*

I'm super close to finishing Kingdom Hearts II. @_@ So. Close. And still...so far away. *sigh* I'm not strong enough to beat the final bosses. So I have to go back to the worlds that I skipped somehow. o.O;; Like Atlantica. Oh, God. Save me. *dies* That is the gayest world EVER. x.x;; And I think that I need to go back to Olympus Coliseum...and, maybe, Hollow Bastion. I think that I'm done with Port Royal. Oh, and I need to do the stupid Hundred Acre Woods. *dies again* Oh well...all for the sake of the game. Even though my poor Riku isn't Riku anymore. *sobs heartbrokenly* I was waiting the WHOLE game to see him...and then...he's not even his smexy self. v_v Evil, evil people at Squaresoft. *stabs them* >>;

When I'm done with Kingdom Hearts II, I need to finish Xenosaga Episode I: Dur Wille zur Macht and then play Xenosaga Episode II: Jenseits von Gut und Bose. *nod* Xenosaga is an awesome series, as well. ^_^ Oh! And I also have Final Fantasy XI for the X-Box. But I prefer Playstation. Always. *will always be a loyal Playstation fan*

Aaaaand...well, I guess that's kind of it for my summer so far. o.o;; Kind of pointless, but...it's been refreshing. ^^; School really burned me out. It'll be nice to have a long, extended break before starting an even harder year. >>;

I've probably been role-playing on .hack//Encryption more than I should be. But, I can cut back on that. *sweatdrop*

And, no, you don't get any philosophizing in this post. *and there was much rejoicing!* I'm simply too brain-dead to go off on any rants right now. >_>

Thank you all for your comments! ^_^

Becs - Call me sometime, darling! I'll e-mail you, too, when I get the chance. =D I miss you!!

Lizzums - We need to talk about the website. 'Cause...I need a brainstorming partner. ^^;

And that...is it for me!

Until next time...

Ciao~!!

---

Listen as the wind blows
From across the great divide
Voices trapped in yearning,
Memories trapped in time
The night is my companion,
And solitude my guide
Would I spend forever here
And not be satisfied?

And I would be the one
To hold you down,
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And, after, I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes, dear

Through this world I've stumbled
So many times betrayed
Trying to find an honest word,
To find the truth enslaved
Oh, you speak to me in riddles,
And you speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath,
Your words keep me alive

And I would be the one
To hold you down,
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And, after, I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes, dear

Into this night I wander,
It's morning that I dread
Another day of knowing of
The path I fear to tread
Oh, into the sea of waking dreams,
I follow without pride
'Cause nothing stands between us here,
And I won't be denied

And I would be the one
To hold you down,
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And, after, I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes, dear

I'll hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And, after, I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes...

~Posession, Sarah McLachlan

Currently Listening Finger Eleven By Finger Eleven ~*Therapy*~ see related

Wide awakened out of spinning
'Round the safest orbit
You controlled the ordinary
I was grateful for it
Wide awake in the beginning
Trembling after the fall
Only half my world remembers
While the other half revovles

Cut off, 'cause I can't remember
A face that could cut me deeper
But hearts could never leave me bleeding
Becoming the cause and burden
The lesson begins unlearning
And it has never been forgiving, my dear

It's all too familiar
I've been here before
I'll carry this weight for
Your smallest reward
Because I'll continue to
Break down the door
Just let me in; I swear
It will not be like before

Can't think of what to say
Can't think of what to do
I just think I might be losing my mind
Can't stop this agony
Cancel my therapy
'Cause I just thought of you,
And now I feel fine

Collecting the strangest conscience
Apathy returns its offense
But only after I get moving
Relax and begin the change
It's time for the newest age
To help me find out what I'm missing in here

Can't think of what to say
Can't think of what to do
I just think I might be losing my mind
Can't stop this agony
Cancel my therapy
'Cause I just thought of you
And now I feel fine

I covered all the ground
'Til I uncovered our design
And every second I have spent
Has come to remind me in time

Wide awakened out of spinning
'Round the safest orbit
You controlled the ordinary
I was grateful for it
I was grateful for it

Can't think of what to say
Can't think of what to do
I just think I might be losing my mind
Can't stop this agony
Cancel my therapy
'Cause I just thought of you,
And now I feel fine

~Therapy, Finger Eleven

Ah. Finger Eleven is amazing. I UTTERLY DESPISE their song One Thing, but all of their other stuff is...great. I love it. Their lyrics are brilliant and speak to me in a way that most others can't. They're so...straight-forward, yet so intricate. I wish that I could write like them. *sigh* v_v Thousand Mile Wish is a work of pure genius.

Well...it's been a while since I updated last, hasn't it? ^^; Yeah. It has. Whoo-hoo. I'm continuing my trend. *koff* >_> Sorry, guys. I just got a little...swamped. To say the least. *sweatdrop*

Things have been tough recently. I won't lie about it. Things have been hard. But, you know what? I'm not falling apart. Mentally and emotionally, anyways. My body hasn't been faring so well. But I'm not going to let it get me down. I've lived with it for over two years now, and it's time to move on. It really is. Even though I have to live with the pain every second of every day...it's almost become the "norm" for me. Almost. It's time to accept the fact that I'm sick, not getting better, and that I have a life laid out for me. I need to just go for it.

And that's what I'm planning on doing. I've been looking around for dance studios. I want to get back into dancing. ^_^ My mom and I went to a recital on Saturday for a local dance studio. The hip-hop was amazing, because the teacher was astounding. I have NO idea what he's doing here in Tucson, but...he's awesome. o.o The ballet was pretty painful to watch...but the tap was okay. Sad thing was, there were all these teenage girls doing this choreography that I could have mastered in five hours or less when I was ten years old. Ouch. Not that it was particularly easy...I've just had particularly good training. I've danced for a Rockette, a Broadway dancer, a member of the Oakland Ballet, and a girl who doesn't have credentials, but is amazing, nonetheless. I'm a bit of a dance snob. >>;

But the hip-hop was great. I might go there just for that. Hip-hop is definitely at the top of my "Must Do" list. I love it. ^^

Oh! And I saw Kyle at the recital. Pretty weird. o.o I miss that kid! Goodness. He was my favorite person at work...and then I went on vacation...came back...and he had quit. I was pretty bummed, to say the least. It was so good seeing him. Totally made my day. ^^ He said that he's going to come visit me at work sometime. Excitement!

...no, I don't have a crush on him. He's just a nice guy that I really enjoy being around. So, shut up. =P

Speaking of oranges...last Tuesday, I got back from Virginia. Again. For those of you who don't know, I went back for graduation. I had a blast. Oh, gosh...I miss the Granos...so terribly. They're such an amazing family. *sigh* Oh well. I'll just have to go back again soon. *koff* ^^; Always have to go back to visit my favorite Irish Pub. And my Emster. And my lemon-squirting, chai-spitting, at-Tiffany-tripping-down-the-metro-laughing Aidan. Who has now graduated and is well on his way to becoming a Supreme Court Justice. Or, so we believe. ^_~

Gosh. Sometimes I just can't believe that I'm friends with some of the people that I'm friends with. I mean...sometimes I just feel like I'm not worthy to be in their presence sometimes. >>; Which is totally silly, I know, but you guys are just so amazing. Hanging out with Aidan and Emily at Auld Shebeen the first time I went there was one of the most memorable moments of my life, mostly because I was hanging out--in person--with two of the most amazing people that I know.

And, yes, Aidan and Em...I need to move there. I know. =P

The school year is officially over, and I'm honestly saddened. I had a great year, and it's sad to see it go. However, I know that an even better year is headed my way. I'll just...have to brave it without Aidan and Emily. Goodness, guys...I never really realized how important your company is to me until I realized that I won't have it next year. It's awful. Yes, yes, I know that we'll still be in touch, but...TCP...how will it go on without you?? v_v *sigh...*

Ah, well...life goes on, ne? ^^; Bigger and better things. *nod*

Now that I'm done being all...mushy (o.O)...it's time for me to get all somber and philosophical again. YAY!

>_>

Is it wrong to find that a person is your inspiration? Is it wrong to do things and change your philosophies just because it's important to someone that you care deeply about? Is it wrong to ask yourself "Why am I doing this?," and answer with "Because he/she would want me to?"

I was just thinking about that today. I was thinking about my motivations for certain things...and was tracing it back to different emotional and material roots. I felt ashamed for being so shallow.

But, then, I realized...I was inspired because I realized that God had given me a precious gift by giving me the source of my inspiration. God can work through material means...He does work through material means. All the time. God works through people. Thus, by being inspired by someone or something, and realizing that it all came from God, you're really inspired by God. But you trace it back to the someone or something that was the source, in a very physical, human sense.

I dunno. It just struck me, and I found it to be an interesting thought. I've heard so much, "You have to do everything for God, not for people." But...is doing something for a person really so wrong? Is wanting to please a person really so wrong? I don't think that it is, if you have the right motives and realize where all of your blessings really come from. They don't come from people. They sure as heck don't grow on trees. They come from God.

I've been looking back on the past year, and I've realized that so much has changed...so much is different. God has used all of my friends in different ways...and He has changed me through different circumstances. I've learned how to rely on people. I've learned how to trust people. I've learned how to love people. And those are invaluable things to have learned.

I'd write little notes to each of you on here about how much you mean to me, and about how amazing you all are, but I feel that it's kind of...personal, and should be done more...personally. *koff* I'll probably end up sending little notes over e-mail. Eventually. ^^;

But I want you all to know that I love you more than you could possibly imagine. I really, honestly do. =)

So...even though some of us are in college...headed to college...or still just in highschool...I know that we still have a lot to share with each other, and I know that we'll still continue being friends. For how long? I don't know. But that's not the point. For now, we have each other, and that's all that matters, right? ^_^ God is, indeed, good.

Yes. I'm feeling rather sentimental tonight. Sue me. =P

I should probably head off to bed before I end up losing my sanity altogether. Haha.

...

No comments from the peanut gallery, please. -.-

'Til next time, then...

Ciao!

---

Can it stay until we know ourselves?
I'm torn as I tell
You're the story that I know and fell from
I'm so far into your story I don't know why
We think we're in control
When we lie between the lines
We'll find a line to follow

Currently Listening Laundry Service By Shakira ~*Suerte*~ see related

Song changed. Shakira is amazing. Deal with it.

>_>

Life has been...insane. Literally insane. I honestly don't know how I have been able to deal with it lately.

But that's just it...I haven't been able to deal with it. God has stepped in and given me some AMAZING strength. Without that strength of His, I'd be mud. Seriously.

I worked 25.5 hours last week. I had to wake up early many days so that I could go to work, and I covered Coral's shift on Friday (I got a call at 6:30am from her asking me to come in). I know what it's like to be sick...I couldn't refuse. Doing so would have just been...heartless. The poor girl was sobbing. I think that she might be the one that has lupus. I know a bit of what she feels. I know that I would have wanted someone to do the same thing for me.

My mother's stepbrother (my uncle...I guess) is getting married (again) on Saturday. My family is going to Los Angeles without me. I...don't want to go. At all. I'm so happy that I'm staying. I just...feel kind of bad about one thing: my dad's performing the wedding ceremony, and I'm not going to be there to see it. It's his first time doing it, too...I feel awful about not being there for that. But I have absolutely no interest in seeing my uncle get married again, and I do not want to be around my extended family right now. Things are screwed up, and I do NOT need any crap right now. Not with my health the way that it is, and my schedule the way that it is. I just can't take it.

I know that I'm being incredibly self-centered...and I have no excuse for it. There are just some things that I won't do. I've taken enough crap from my extended family (especially my grandfather), I don't need it right now before finals. I honestly feel like breaking down whenever I'm there. Maybe I can do it in the summer, but not now...

I'm so ready to move. I am ready to be out the door. I love Arizona, but...I'm ready for a change. And I'm getting really dissatisfied with our church. There's a pastor there that really grates on my nerves. He's said a lot of crap about my dad, and he's an arrogant, pompous hot-head to begin with. I probably know more about real life than he does. I should probably stop talking about him now, because I'll start going off on a totally violent tangent soon, if I keep going. >>; Anyways, it's like he's poisoning the church, and you just can't get away from him. It's the most frustrating thing.

I'm really proud of my dad, though. He's been able to deal with it very well, and he's an amazing teacher. I love it when he preaches. And I love seeing him in ministry. I know that it's what he's always wanted to do, and I just get so angry when some jerk steps in and tries to take it away from him. Again. It makes me so mad, I just start crying...sometimes. *sweatdrop* I know that all of this is God's work, and everything goes according to His will, but I just feel so awful for my dad...the guy never gets a break. Every time something seems to be going right, something bad happens and spoils it all. *sigh* I know that it doesn't bother him as much as it used to, but...it bothers me...

Most of you know that it's really hard to get me angry, and I'm usually pretty laid-back when it comes to offense. I'm non-confrontational. But, I swear, on Sunday...it took all of my self-control to keep myself from walking right up to that jerk and slapping him in the face. Then, I probably would have wanted to tell him off. In front of the entire congregation. Yes, I was that furious. But...that wouldn't have been the God-glorifying thing to do. So I stayed put and bit my tongue.

My dad said that he feels like we're done here. I feel the exact same way. Coming to Arizona was quite the trip, but it's time for a new adventure.

I feel like my life is just one big adventure, and I have no idea where it's taking me. I feel like I'm just on this safari jeep that's tearing along down this really bumpy dirt road...sometimes it's exhilirating, and sometimes I'm just afraid that the wheels are going to fall off or the jeep's going to tip over. I've spent most of my life being afraid, but I'm not so afraid anymore. If the wheels fall off, then I'll pick myself up, dust myself off, and screw the wheels back on. Of course...God will be the one picking me up and doing the work in me, but I'm talking in human terms. =P

I want my college application to have all the bells and whistles on it that it possibly can. But, if it doesn't, y'know what? It isn't the end of the world. If I get a B in FST this year, y'know what? I'm not going to die. Every situation brings me one step further down the road and opens up another door in my path. I have many doors that I can choose from. But I can't waste time being timid and indecisive. I'm a gung-ho person, and I always have been. I'm going to choose my course, and I'm going to stick with it until God puts the brakes on it--if He ever does.

Too many people try too hard to divine God's will before making any decision in their lives. Yes, we must pray and seek God's will in our lives, but, sometimes...He just wants us to make a decision and go with it, trusting Him to bring good out of it. If we have the right heart motive, we really can't make "the wrong choice."

No, I haven't decided where I'm going to go to college. No, I haven't decided what I'm going to major in. No, I haven't decided how I'm going to keep a steady income in the coming years of highschool. No, I haven't decided whether I'm going to go back into dancing full-time. But I have decided that I'm not going to be scared anymore, and I'm going to start taking things into my own hands--with God's constant guidance. I'm not going to let myself be intimidated by what other people say, or by the arguments of "remember that you're only sixteen." Well, y'know what? In many cultures, I would be married by now, and would be expected to take care of the entire household, and start having children. I'm only sixteen, but I can do a lot more than what our lazy American society would expect of me.

I need to start learning how to be a responsible adult. I paid for and pumped my own gas yesterday. I know that seems like a small thing to many of you, but I had to face a lot of fears in doing that. I had to get out of my car in a busy area by myself, drive in traffic, and pump gas--which has terrified me ever since I skinned my thumb pumping gas for my mom. Yes, it happened, and, yes, it hurt. >>; Also, I had to watch nearly $40.00 drain right before my eyes. Do you know how many hours of work that is? I make $5.15 an hour. You do the math. >_>

But that's the way that life is, isn't it? Everything costs money. I'm going to ask my mom to teach me how to do my own budgeting and taxes. I still need to save up money for the England trip, and I'm going to have to start paying my own car insurance. My mom is going to have me start making my own medical appointments, and I take myself to all my piano lessons. I know how to do every bit of housework that there is to be done, so I really don't need any extra training in that. But I still need to pull my weight. Plus, I'm going to start taking some community college classes so I can expose myself to classes outside of my home--my comfort zone. It's time to stop being a child and start being a young woman.

Not only do I need to learn how to take care of myself, but I need to learn how to take care of others. I need to start cooking more. I'm going to be a wife one day, and I need to prepare myself for that--physically, mentally, and spiritually. I'm "only sixteen," but, in two years, I'm going to be eighteen. If I just fritter away the time that I have now, what am I going to be then...? It's never too early to start taking life seriously.

I'm still a kid, and I'm still going to have fun. I still talk with food in my mouth (sometimes! only sometimes, I swear), I still laugh at childish things, I still pout, I still dance around the house while singing at the top of my lungs, I still want my mom to take care of me when I'm sick, and I still make some big, stupid mistakes. I'm still a child. But for how much longer...?

When I grow up, I'm still going to be the same eccentric Tiffany that I am now. I'm still going to poke fun at people and act like a total ditz. My personality isn't going to change drastically as I grow up, because I've found who I am, and I'm happy with who I am. But it's time to seperate myself from my childhood indulgences and finally start taking responsibility for what's mine.

I want to grow up to be a godly woman. With all of my heart, I want to serve God with my life. It's time to start that transition from girlhood to womanhood now.

It scares me that I'm growing up. But I can't cling to childhood. I'll make the best of the time that I have now, but I have to welcome each challenge. It's what grows me and shapes me--what makes me more Christlike. Thank God for new challenges. =)

I should probably stop, now that I've bored you all to death. =P I'll just list a few short updates to sum everything up.

- My job is going great, and I love my co-workers. It's exhausting, and I don't make very much money, but I manage. It's great life-training.
- School is going just fine. Finals are coming up, but I'm not nervous yet. I will be in a week or so, though. >>
- My dad has gotten a few interviews for jobs in Raleigh, and we're working on getting our house ready to sell. It might just happen, folks!
- I'm going back to Virginia in June for graduation. Aidan, Jenna, Lattany, I'm so proud of you guys, and I can't wait to see you!
- I'm obsessed with Shakira. Sue me.

Alrighty, guys. I updated. Ya happy? =P

'Til next time!

Ciao!

---

Lucky you were born that far away
So we can both make fun of distance
Lucky that I love a foreign land
For the lucky fact of your existance

Baby, I would climb the Andes solely
To count the freckles on your body
Never could I imagine there were only
Ten million ways to love somebody

Le ro lo le lo le
Le ro lo le lo le
Can't you see?
I'm at your feet

Whenever, wherever
We're meant to be together
I'll be there and you'll be near
And that's the deal, my dear

Whereover, hereunder
You will never have to wonder
We can always play by ear
And that's the deal, my dear

~Whenever, Wherever (English version of Suerte), Shakira

Currently Listening Pieces of a Dream: Best Of By Anastacia ~*One Day in Your Life*~ see related

478 days since I joined Xanga. Wow. My life has changed so much in 478 days...

Anyways. New layout. New song. What do you guys think?

I'll update with a real post later on some time. I promise. <3